I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.