My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet