*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
mathematically impossible
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Terribly Tuesday.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”