I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
New Tinder profile.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Just parrot things
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith