My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.