I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
why would tinder want me to say this
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”