1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???