Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
HELP 😭
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I would move hell over six inches for you
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.