[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Thinking about Jeff
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.