Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.