Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
You Might Also Like
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school