It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*