Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Lmao
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
i really liked this one
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t