Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Beware of the dog..
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”