“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”