The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.