i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.