me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”