“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
me: my friends:
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this