When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
me 2 months after i graduated
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire