Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.