A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.