I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Close call…
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.