Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
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I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me