Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
New Tinder profile.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Just how popey was the pope today?