Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
car not found
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.