Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
(more comics:
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.