the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
But I really needed water water water
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.