Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.