70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Just me?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
yall want some gasoline milk
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
#milo
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”