My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it