Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You Might Also Like
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
#Thanos #MondayMood
do u think theres a butter planet?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When your man makes a valid point
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.