My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
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Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo