commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Beware…..