Everyone’s family
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Dishonest mechanic?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.