HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
being a writer on Twitter:
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.