Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.