One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
A Short Story.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is