My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.