Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt