Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
who will stop them
When you’ve simply given up.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.