Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’ve had worse
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me trying to look natural in photos
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.