The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie