911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
You Might Also Like
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist