You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I wish this was real life…
I get distracted pretty eas
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.