My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
This is a whole mood;
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication