I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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When I laugh on my period
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?