I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Love it! 👍😂
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.