“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
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Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Customize Your Wedding.
Note to self: I am a note
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
This guy’s not having it 😆
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate