rich people when they have to pay taxes
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ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I’ve had worse
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine